I've been standing up on that cliff again recently. For some time the breeze was pleasant, and I let the wind wave through and around me. Storms rushed in, and I found myself pulling my wings in tightly, huddling against the ground and waiting, wishing, for the wind to pass.
But I do love a good storm.
I'll stay crouched, poised, watching the horizon through the wind and crashing rain, straining to listen through the rolling thunder. Perched upon toes, wings opening again just barely - cautious of the storm, but excited for the clear skies that are sure to follow.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Saturday, November 23, 2013
the thing with feathers
I got quiet again, and I don't have any fancy excuse for it. I've been working, and living, and working on living, and working on keeping myself writing in one way or another, and that one way isn't always on a blog. I still muse to myself, though, and talk to others in my life and maybe "write" a bit in my head, I just haven't made as much of an effort to get on here and put it out there. I will admit that a good part of that is just laziness - another part is simply that I had trouble motivating myself.
So here I am again.
The past few months have been relatively quiet as far as "living my life" goes - insofar as "quiet" can be called changing jobs to an almost ideal job, and then losing it due to financial situations brought on by the economy effecting small businesses only a few months later. I'm currently unemployed, searching for employment actively, and have been for a sometime over a month now. I also find myself feeling quite at peace with the whole situation. The "me" from a few months ago might have seen this as a strange way to feel, but that was me from a few months ago. That was me before these quiet last few months were decidedly UNquiet in terms of my spiritual life.
I feel joy.
I wanted to get back to church with my husband, and I wanted my mother to come with us. She's been going through her own personal trials with God and her own spirituality, though, and so I put the choice of church in her hands. I had gone through and explored the area and knew the setting that I needed, and though I found myself happy with the church we had found my mother still felt the need to explore. So we church hopped a bit, and eventually this did lead us back to the same church which I had (and still do) find so much life and comfort in.
Around this same time is when the financial situation at my place of work started to get shaky, and became increasingly stressful. I found myself in a situation where I had prayed for this position, and now had it...but was no longer sure if it was where I was meant to be, considering the trials and hardships that the people and business were involved in. I couldn't figure out what to do, and so for one of the first times in my life I found myself completely and unconditionally giving it up to God. I had put my trust in Him many times in the past, but this was the first time I truly found myself breaking down and praying with all my heart and soul for Him to just show me what to do and where to go. I found myself asking daily for Him to tell me, and I would do it. Show me, and I would go.
and He did
There was one morning on my drive to work where I was going through this ritual, and I honestly felt as though I heard a reply, telling me to read the bible daily. I'll admit I've never fully read through the entire book, and so with this answer I committed to it. I also felt that I was being pulled more to attend church weekly, rather than just when I or my family was feeling up to it. We'd been going rather regularly, albeit to different churches, but for the first time in my adult life I actually felt the need to attend regularly.
Fast forward through the explosively stressful situation that ended with my place of employment ultimately deciding that they could no longer afford to keep me on staff, and I find myself in a situation which some might find even more stressful - no job, and still loans to pay with a supply of savings that will, eventually, begin to dwindle.
I feel fine.
More than that. I feel as though I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and there is not a single fiber of my being that feels doubt in the plan that I'm sure God is leading me through. I have no idea where my path is currently leading - I can't even begin to imagine! - but I feel safe. I feel cared for, and watched over. I feel His presence and guidance, and His direction in how to spend the time that I have while also looking for new employment. In the past month I have felt more alive and full of His Holy Spirit than I can remember being for quite some time. I can feel His hand guiding me to spread it, and I have witnessed the spread of His love as He's guided me to do my part.
I feel hope.
Prayer Request:
That you may feel and see and hear and all around truly experience the effect of His hand and Holy Spirit influencing your life, and the lives of those around you. That you might have the courage to give your life up to His plan, and feel safe and cared for even when the world around you might not give that impression.
I pray for those who have found Him, and need His guidance and love.
I pray for those who are searching, whether they be near or far from Him.
I pray for those who aren't searching, but still need Him.
I pray for you.
So here I am again.
The past few months have been relatively quiet as far as "living my life" goes - insofar as "quiet" can be called changing jobs to an almost ideal job, and then losing it due to financial situations brought on by the economy effecting small businesses only a few months later. I'm currently unemployed, searching for employment actively, and have been for a sometime over a month now. I also find myself feeling quite at peace with the whole situation. The "me" from a few months ago might have seen this as a strange way to feel, but that was me from a few months ago. That was me before these quiet last few months were decidedly UNquiet in terms of my spiritual life.
I feel joy.
I wanted to get back to church with my husband, and I wanted my mother to come with us. She's been going through her own personal trials with God and her own spirituality, though, and so I put the choice of church in her hands. I had gone through and explored the area and knew the setting that I needed, and though I found myself happy with the church we had found my mother still felt the need to explore. So we church hopped a bit, and eventually this did lead us back to the same church which I had (and still do) find so much life and comfort in.
Around this same time is when the financial situation at my place of work started to get shaky, and became increasingly stressful. I found myself in a situation where I had prayed for this position, and now had it...but was no longer sure if it was where I was meant to be, considering the trials and hardships that the people and business were involved in. I couldn't figure out what to do, and so for one of the first times in my life I found myself completely and unconditionally giving it up to God. I had put my trust in Him many times in the past, but this was the first time I truly found myself breaking down and praying with all my heart and soul for Him to just show me what to do and where to go. I found myself asking daily for Him to tell me, and I would do it. Show me, and I would go.
and He did
There was one morning on my drive to work where I was going through this ritual, and I honestly felt as though I heard a reply, telling me to read the bible daily. I'll admit I've never fully read through the entire book, and so with this answer I committed to it. I also felt that I was being pulled more to attend church weekly, rather than just when I or my family was feeling up to it. We'd been going rather regularly, albeit to different churches, but for the first time in my adult life I actually felt the need to attend regularly.
Fast forward through the explosively stressful situation that ended with my place of employment ultimately deciding that they could no longer afford to keep me on staff, and I find myself in a situation which some might find even more stressful - no job, and still loans to pay with a supply of savings that will, eventually, begin to dwindle.
I feel fine.
More than that. I feel as though I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and there is not a single fiber of my being that feels doubt in the plan that I'm sure God is leading me through. I have no idea where my path is currently leading - I can't even begin to imagine! - but I feel safe. I feel cared for, and watched over. I feel His presence and guidance, and His direction in how to spend the time that I have while also looking for new employment. In the past month I have felt more alive and full of His Holy Spirit than I can remember being for quite some time. I can feel His hand guiding me to spread it, and I have witnessed the spread of His love as He's guided me to do my part.
I feel hope.
Prayer Request:
That you may feel and see and hear and all around truly experience the effect of His hand and Holy Spirit influencing your life, and the lives of those around you. That you might have the courage to give your life up to His plan, and feel safe and cared for even when the world around you might not give that impression.
I pray for those who have found Him, and need His guidance and love.
I pray for those who are searching, whether they be near or far from Him.
I pray for those who aren't searching, but still need Him.
I pray for you.
Friday, June 7, 2013
wibbly-wobbly, shiny-whiny!
At any given point of any given day, I know without a doubt that God is there by my side, always there when I need him. It's always there at the back of my mind, an ever present subconscious knowledge. However, there are SOME times where I know this in a much more conscious way - times like when it's pouring rain and I, being still a somewhat inexperienced driver, must drive through said pouring rain in the dark, ink-black, shiny highways of pitch-colored night.
These are the moments when, rather than simply knowing that He is there and being thankful for it, I find myself carrying on a continuous conversation with our Father, chatting away with Him about how grateful I am that He is there in the car and steering my wheel correctly when the lines seem to disappear and the street lights make it impossible to see out my windshield every moment that I pass one. I sing along with my christian-rock CD's, and in between different lines I start yabbering on about how the rain is scary and the night is shiny in all the worst ways, and Please God keep my wheels safe and let me drive through the water not on it.
It is a very rainy night here on the east coast! There's a tropical storm on it's way, and it's bringing downpour after downpour with it!
Stay safe, all of you readers.
Prayer Request: May the Lord be with YOU in YOUR car as well, guiding your wheel and making sure your tires stay on the ground! Not just in bad weather, but in all weather - at all times.
These are the moments when, rather than simply knowing that He is there and being thankful for it, I find myself carrying on a continuous conversation with our Father, chatting away with Him about how grateful I am that He is there in the car and steering my wheel correctly when the lines seem to disappear and the street lights make it impossible to see out my windshield every moment that I pass one. I sing along with my christian-rock CD's, and in between different lines I start yabbering on about how the rain is scary and the night is shiny in all the worst ways, and Please God keep my wheels safe and let me drive through the water not on it.
It is a very rainy night here on the east coast! There's a tropical storm on it's way, and it's bringing downpour after downpour with it!
Stay safe, all of you readers.
Prayer Request: May the Lord be with YOU in YOUR car as well, guiding your wheel and making sure your tires stay on the ground! Not just in bad weather, but in all weather - at all times.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
i know who stands before me - i know who goes behind
I've decided to try something new (again!). Not terribly new, no, more just a new way to tell myself I'm trying something new to give myself a new way of thinking about writing and this blog and blogs in general.
I'm going to write as if I already have an audience, which is...what I was trying to do this entire time, true, but this time I mean, I'm going to write something (maybe, almost) every day, even if it's just a few lines or a short quip, as if someone is checking this blog every day just to make sure I'm still posting SOMETHING.
So, then
I (mostly) re-charged my air conditioner in my car today - this hopefully means that there will be a much lower chance of me passing out from the heat on my drive to work on the highway.
My mother, husband, and I started going to a new church. Yes, ANOTHER new church. This one is really awesome! In many of the same ways as the previous church, which I would have been happy at, but which my mother wasn't entirely comfortable at for her own reasons. So, we'll be going here, to this place that maybe we can call home.
And if our God is with us--
then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us
then who could stand against?
Prayer Request:
That YOU find home. That none of us may ever have to be an orphan, or homeless, for very long.
I'm going to write as if I already have an audience, which is...what I was trying to do this entire time, true, but this time I mean, I'm going to write something (maybe, almost) every day, even if it's just a few lines or a short quip, as if someone is checking this blog every day just to make sure I'm still posting SOMETHING.
So, then
I (mostly) re-charged my air conditioner in my car today - this hopefully means that there will be a much lower chance of me passing out from the heat on my drive to work on the highway.
My mother, husband, and I started going to a new church. Yes, ANOTHER new church. This one is really awesome! In many of the same ways as the previous church, which I would have been happy at, but which my mother wasn't entirely comfortable at for her own reasons. So, we'll be going here, to this place that maybe we can call home.
And if our God is with us--
then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us
then who could stand against?
Prayer Request:
That YOU find home. That none of us may ever have to be an orphan, or homeless, for very long.
Monday, May 20, 2013
praying: Lord above
Here's something I find interesting. It's a theme that crops up a lot in various movies, books, and even songs. There are plenty of people out there who claim to not believe in God, whether they call themselves atheists or not, and more often than not - at one point for another - they may suddenly find themselves in a situation that seems so utterly hopeless to them that they send a prayer up to God.
In movies and books it's when the character has hit ultimate rock bottom. Absolutely everything has gone wrong that could go wrong, and since it's a story it will probably start down-pouring on them as well. Then they'll drop to their knees and shout some profanities at the sky and scream that they've given up, and then something funny happens. They stop shouting for a moment, look back up at that sky, and wind up saying something along the lines of, "I know I don't believe in You, but if you're out there..." These same people who earlier in the story so whole-heartedly, hot-headedly believed that He was nothing to believe in still find themselves calling out to Him in the time of their greatest need.
It's such a popular theme in stories because it happens so often in real life, too. It doesn't matter how many times a person says that they don't believe in God, and how hard they work to convince themselves that He does not exist, there is still bound to come a time when they find themselves on their knees before Him begging for help, crying out to Him, "...if You're out there..."
And it's that "if" that is so often the first step to their salvation.
In movies and books it's when the character has hit ultimate rock bottom. Absolutely everything has gone wrong that could go wrong, and since it's a story it will probably start down-pouring on them as well. Then they'll drop to their knees and shout some profanities at the sky and scream that they've given up, and then something funny happens. They stop shouting for a moment, look back up at that sky, and wind up saying something along the lines of, "I know I don't believe in You, but if you're out there..." These same people who earlier in the story so whole-heartedly, hot-headedly believed that He was nothing to believe in still find themselves calling out to Him in the time of their greatest need.
It's such a popular theme in stories because it happens so often in real life, too. It doesn't matter how many times a person says that they don't believe in God, and how hard they work to convince themselves that He does not exist, there is still bound to come a time when they find themselves on their knees before Him begging for help, crying out to Him, "...if You're out there..."
And it's that "if" that is so often the first step to their salvation.
"Well no matter who you are, and no matter what you've done,
there will come a time when you can't make it on your own.
And in your hour of desperation,
know you're not the only one
prayin', 'Lord above, I need a miracle!' "
Prayer Request:
That in your time of need, you find help and hope in Him, and know that he is always by your side.
That whatever it is you need help with in this moment of your life, He will send whatever you need, as He wills it.
And also, that if your GPS sends you down a crazy set of hellish back streets, and a large pick up truck is going much too fast around a corner, that He sends an angel down to keep you safe from harm.
in Jesus' name!
Friday, May 17, 2013
truly You are always there
So there's this radio station in my area that happens to be the only christian music radio station near enough for me to pick up on my ride to and from work. I can only get it when I'm close to work, and even then sometimes it fades into static (or, if it's particularly coudy...classical music?) but I love it when I do get it, and I'm hearing so many new songs about God. They're all pretty good, and some are awesome to sing along to; then every so often I'll hear one song in particular that really strikes at the heart, or brings up a tear-jerking-but-wonderful memory from my journey to God. I had one of these such moments on the drive home today when I heard these lyrics,
"I remember the moment, I remember the pain.
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day.
Tears were falling,
I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone,
I was doing my best, trying to be strong.
No one to turn to,
That's when I met You."
My goodness! I thought, this here, this song is just what happened to me too! (Except for the bedroom part.) I had been having a fairly annoying day; I say annoying because nothing happened to make it a bad day, but there were various silly things which were minor annoyances building into a general annoyance that seemed to perpetuate the day - for me, and for those around me as well. It was just enough to have crumpled my mood by the time I was driving home, and this song perked me right up. And then there came the chorus,
My goodness! I thought, this here, this song is just what happened to me too! (Except for the bedroom part.) I had been having a fairly annoying day; I say annoying because nothing happened to make it a bad day, but there were various silly things which were minor annoyances building into a general annoyance that seemed to perpetuate the day - for me, and for those around me as well. It was just enough to have crumpled my mood by the time I was driving home, and this song perked me right up. And then there came the chorus,
"All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time"
As if He was TRYING to tear and to tug at my heartstrings even more than they had been already. The chorus was so simple and so pungent with love for God that I found tears springing to my eyes almost instantly. It wasn't much, but it was just enough of a reminder for me, almost as if He was sitting in the car beside me saying, "Hey, I know today was a little miserable, and I know your tire blew up on you just the other day too, but don't worry. I'm here, so it's okay. Remember that I Am always here."
As if He was TRYING to tear and to tug at my heartstrings even more than they had been already. The chorus was so simple and so pungent with love for God that I found tears springing to my eyes almost instantly. It wasn't much, but it was just enough of a reminder for me, almost as if He was sitting in the car beside me saying, "Hey, I know today was a little miserable, and I know your tire blew up on you just the other day too, but don't worry. I'm here, so it's okay. Remember that I Am always here."
And I did remember.
And it was okay.
(The song is All This Time, by Britt Nicole, in case you're curious.)
(The song is All This Time, by Britt Nicole, in case you're curious.)
I'm sorry to say that I don't have much more of a point to this post; but at least I'm writing something again! Getting into the habit is a good thing, and I know that as long as I keep writing something about Him and how I see Him in my life every day, something good is bound to happen on this blog.
Prayer Request:
That every time someone feels themselves stuck in one of those moments of sadness, or annoyance, or self-doubt, or general miserableness, they remember that He is there, and so everything is really okay.
That YOU remember, because as long as you do, and as long as you know Him in the deepest place of your heart, everything is bound to turn out just fine.
Just you wait and see!
hello, my name is!
Over my last few months working at Macy's I carried with me a tiny little notebook in which I had begun pre-writing blog posts out, so that I could come home from an unfulfilling day of big-company-retailing, type it up on my computer, and hit post. I wrote many things within this little notebook. Most of them ended up being sad, slightly depressed ramblings about how unfullfilling my days were. They became slightly more depressing with each new entry, and needless to say I never posted any of them. Once I'd written them, I didn't feel the need to. After all, who would want to read something that miserable anyway?
I'm feeling much better now!
I'm feeling very blessed, and very much at peace with my current work situation - that is, working as the Assistant Manager at a little indie book store with a small crew of peeps that all care for one another and treat each other like human beings, instead of a number clocked into a computer system. I still have a hard time picturing myself holding any job title with the word "manager" in it; I just never imagined myself in such a role. I've settled into the new job, and with each day that goes by I feel just a wee bit closer to actually feeling like an assistant manger -- you know...in my eyes. It was a big step for me, but I truly feel like it's where God wants me to be - why else would things have worked out this way?
Every so often I still get nervous. It's just the way my brain works. I can be confidant, and strong, and able. I can also be incredibly meek and shy, and it's this aspect that sneaks up sometimes while I'm driving home on the highway (Me! Driving! On a highway!). I'll think about where I am, job-wise, and suddenly my heart will begin to flutter up from my stomach and into my throat. A bit of adrenaline pumps into my veins and the world comes into focus just a bit more sharply. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff with the wind blowing up, fiercely into my face and it's all that keeps me from slipping over the edge. Then I remember that I have these wings, and if I could open them then the ground wouldn't seem so far away. So I open them, just a little, and the wind keeps buffeting me and holding me up, and each and every day I can open them just a little bit more. My heart is already fluttering; it's ready to soar even if I'm not. And flying is, after all, just learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
This ramble turned out a bit longer than I intended! I just wanted to post something on here, just to get myself that much closer to doing it (maybe, almost) every day again.
Like I said up there, I feel blessed right now. I feel like I am truly on the path that He has set forth for me. It took awhile to get to where I am, it look a lot of patience, and a lot of trust in God that something good was at the end of all that time put in at Macy's, but here I am. It's hard work! But it's good, and right, and it feels just a bit like home.
AND I have a song stuck in my head from a radio station that I juuuust barely get on my radio towards the end of my commute.
"I am no longer defined
by all the wreckage behind.
The One who makes all things new
has proven it's true.
Just take a look at my life!
HELLO MY NAME IS
Child of the One True King.
I've been saved, I've been changed
and I have been set free!
'Amazing Grace,' is the song I sing.
Hello! My name is
CHILD of the One True King!"
Prayer Request: Nothing specific; that you, and all those cared for by you, find the path that God intends for you. And then, when the path is found, that you may have the COURAGE to follow it!
It's a bit of a fright -- but it's OK.
HE's there to walk it with you.
I'm feeling much better now!
I'm feeling very blessed, and very much at peace with my current work situation - that is, working as the Assistant Manager at a little indie book store with a small crew of peeps that all care for one another and treat each other like human beings, instead of a number clocked into a computer system. I still have a hard time picturing myself holding any job title with the word "manager" in it; I just never imagined myself in such a role. I've settled into the new job, and with each day that goes by I feel just a wee bit closer to actually feeling like an assistant manger -- you know...in my eyes. It was a big step for me, but I truly feel like it's where God wants me to be - why else would things have worked out this way?
Every so often I still get nervous. It's just the way my brain works. I can be confidant, and strong, and able. I can also be incredibly meek and shy, and it's this aspect that sneaks up sometimes while I'm driving home on the highway (Me! Driving! On a highway!). I'll think about where I am, job-wise, and suddenly my heart will begin to flutter up from my stomach and into my throat. A bit of adrenaline pumps into my veins and the world comes into focus just a bit more sharply. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff with the wind blowing up, fiercely into my face and it's all that keeps me from slipping over the edge. Then I remember that I have these wings, and if I could open them then the ground wouldn't seem so far away. So I open them, just a little, and the wind keeps buffeting me and holding me up, and each and every day I can open them just a little bit more. My heart is already fluttering; it's ready to soar even if I'm not. And flying is, after all, just learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
This ramble turned out a bit longer than I intended! I just wanted to post something on here, just to get myself that much closer to doing it (maybe, almost) every day again.
Like I said up there, I feel blessed right now. I feel like I am truly on the path that He has set forth for me. It took awhile to get to where I am, it look a lot of patience, and a lot of trust in God that something good was at the end of all that time put in at Macy's, but here I am. It's hard work! But it's good, and right, and it feels just a bit like home.
AND I have a song stuck in my head from a radio station that I juuuust barely get on my radio towards the end of my commute.
"I am no longer defined
by all the wreckage behind.
The One who makes all things new
has proven it's true.
Just take a look at my life!
HELLO MY NAME IS
Child of the One True King.
I've been saved, I've been changed
and I have been set free!
'Amazing Grace,' is the song I sing.
Hello! My name is
CHILD of the One True King!"
Prayer Request: Nothing specific; that you, and all those cared for by you, find the path that God intends for you. And then, when the path is found, that you may have the COURAGE to follow it!
It's a bit of a fright -- but it's OK.
HE's there to walk it with you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)