What is a voice?
ink dripping from the tip of a pen
falling together
scattered across a page
What is hope?
sentences written in secret
words laced together into dreams
And a dream?
a new reality
woven together by the spirit
wrapped tightly around the light
truth that floods out from the heart
What is truth?
water, light, and fire
bleeding through the weave of dreams
straining to show the world
Thursday, September 27, 2018
Saturday, September 15, 2018
pieces of a Lifesong - 6
There are pieces of my story which occurred over my college years that are important to mention, but I will only touch on them briefly here. Freshman year I lost a friendship with someone that I had been very close to for years, and it was painful enough that I felt absolutely broken by it. I didn't truly start to heal from that separation until I met the man who would become my husband (I'll call him 'John' from here on). The timing in which I met John (in relation to my broken friendship) already felt a lot like God had planned it out, but the way in which I met him was also so unlikely that there is no doubt in my mind we were meant to meet; at the time that we met, we lived 3000 miles apart. I knew John for a year, and it wasn't until I felt truly secure in his permanence in my life that my cat, who I had found as a child and had raised from a kitten, came to the end of her life.
I managed to leave for home a week earlier than the semester's end, and to be there to say goodbye, but it still left a larger hole in my heart than I had ever imagined the loss of a pet could. The entire time that I was saying goodbye, I truly felt as if she had held on to this world long enough to make sure I had someone else to care for me emotionally. Now that John had settled into my life, she could move on; it was this determination that lead to me wondering about Guardian Angels, and their place in our lives. I wondered, if we were meant to have an army to protect us, couldn't it be possible for just one to take a physical form, and to care for us the way that a loving pet does? My cat's passing made me certain that was the case, and she has held the western quarter of my medicine wheel - for emotions - ever since.
After college, I wanted to find a church home again. My mother's attendance to church had fallen after I'd started college as well, and I convinced her to come along with me to find one. John had moved across the country by now, but was currently attending a live-in education program (Job Corps) nearby, and wasn't able to come home every weekend to join the search. The two of us essentially became 'church hoppers' for some time, but my criteria was simple enough - find a church that made me feel the Spirit the same way I had at Camp Fireside. Find a church with life.
It was more difficult than I had anticipated. I was non-denominational at the time so we had plenty of options, but some felt quiet and unresponsive the way that the one I had grown up in had, and when we finally found some that did feel filled with life enough to take a closer look...the structure of the church felt off. It's difficult to explain what I mean if you haven't experienced it; there was life in the churches, but also a strange undertone of something other than God's presence. For example, one of the churches that we visited was planning on setting up other locations in the state, but only the founder of the church was allowed to preach. It was strictly forbidden for anyone, even other pastors of the church, to give sermons; and as a member, giving a percentage of your income was mandatory. We moved on though, and eventually did find a church that felt like home. There was even a band for worship songs that played guitars and drums! I remember arriving for our first service as the music was already playing, and feeling the drum-beat filling the air around me, moving up through the soles of my feet and into my heart. It was life, it was community, and it was Spirit all around.
Even then, I did not stay at that church permanently. We attended for quite some time, all throughout the time that I held my first post-college job, and well into my second. The first was a cashier position at Macy's in a local city, which was enough to pay my looming student loans - but just barely, and with hours of travel to get to the job each day that left little time for even sleeping. My second job seemed like a dream! I was hired as assistant manager at a bookstore in another nearby city; the drive was long, but it was everything I had wanted in a job! Until it wasn't. The people that owned the store, the customers, workers, and the atmosphere were all wonderful; but I wasn't there for even a full year when money began getting tighter for me than it should have been. I realized that I was missing paychecks, and had been (while being in denial about it) for some time. There is always more to the story, but here you only must know that I cared for the owners, and the store, and I still don't believe that there was any ill-intent on their part. I processed the situation (on my own, and with the store owner) for weeks, and the stress built up exponentially over that time. It reached the point where I was physically ill, over-exhausted and sick to my stomach, over the stress and anxiety.
One weekend, I went to church and wept during service, praying to God for the strength to have the conversation that was looming over my coming Monday. I couldn't afford to stay at the bookstore with my current paycheck trend, and I knew I was going to have to tell the owner that I was leaving. I had hardly slept or eaten for days, and I had finally reached that penultimate moment that many Christians are familiar with - I gave up. I prayed at church, I cried, and I gave up all control of the situation to place it in God's hands. If I was meant to stay at the bookstore, He would see to it; if I wasn't...well, I was meant to be somewhere else. After church I felt more peace than I had in weeks, and despite the fact that I was still terrified when it came time to speak with the bookstore owner, I never lost faith that the entire situation was part of God's plan. I didn't lose faith when I was unable to find another job, or when my unemployment was nearly reaching the limit of payments. I kept my faith, and my trust, as I settled for a paid-volunteer position with Americorps at a local elementary school, and as I eventually found my way to a job that had me moving away from home for the first time since college.
This chapter of my story might seem like a bit of a side-track, I admit; but my experience here taught me a lesson. I had always had faith in God and His plan, but this was the first time in my life that I had to truly give everything up, and place it all in His hands. Over the years, through and after college, I've unfortunately developed quite the relationship with anxiety. It's an issue that I still struggle with daily, but one of the greatest helps I have in dealing with this is in reminding myself that everything - everything - is part of His plan. The struggles that you deal with now are the lessons for your future; His plan isn't always easy to handle, but He is always there with you through it. All you have to do is call out for Him, and hold on.
Hold on.
I managed to leave for home a week earlier than the semester's end, and to be there to say goodbye, but it still left a larger hole in my heart than I had ever imagined the loss of a pet could. The entire time that I was saying goodbye, I truly felt as if she had held on to this world long enough to make sure I had someone else to care for me emotionally. Now that John had settled into my life, she could move on; it was this determination that lead to me wondering about Guardian Angels, and their place in our lives. I wondered, if we were meant to have an army to protect us, couldn't it be possible for just one to take a physical form, and to care for us the way that a loving pet does? My cat's passing made me certain that was the case, and she has held the western quarter of my medicine wheel - for emotions - ever since.
After college, I wanted to find a church home again. My mother's attendance to church had fallen after I'd started college as well, and I convinced her to come along with me to find one. John had moved across the country by now, but was currently attending a live-in education program (Job Corps) nearby, and wasn't able to come home every weekend to join the search. The two of us essentially became 'church hoppers' for some time, but my criteria was simple enough - find a church that made me feel the Spirit the same way I had at Camp Fireside. Find a church with life.
It was more difficult than I had anticipated. I was non-denominational at the time so we had plenty of options, but some felt quiet and unresponsive the way that the one I had grown up in had, and when we finally found some that did feel filled with life enough to take a closer look...the structure of the church felt off. It's difficult to explain what I mean if you haven't experienced it; there was life in the churches, but also a strange undertone of something other than God's presence. For example, one of the churches that we visited was planning on setting up other locations in the state, but only the founder of the church was allowed to preach. It was strictly forbidden for anyone, even other pastors of the church, to give sermons; and as a member, giving a percentage of your income was mandatory. We moved on though, and eventually did find a church that felt like home. There was even a band for worship songs that played guitars and drums! I remember arriving for our first service as the music was already playing, and feeling the drum-beat filling the air around me, moving up through the soles of my feet and into my heart. It was life, it was community, and it was Spirit all around.
Even then, I did not stay at that church permanently. We attended for quite some time, all throughout the time that I held my first post-college job, and well into my second. The first was a cashier position at Macy's in a local city, which was enough to pay my looming student loans - but just barely, and with hours of travel to get to the job each day that left little time for even sleeping. My second job seemed like a dream! I was hired as assistant manager at a bookstore in another nearby city; the drive was long, but it was everything I had wanted in a job! Until it wasn't. The people that owned the store, the customers, workers, and the atmosphere were all wonderful; but I wasn't there for even a full year when money began getting tighter for me than it should have been. I realized that I was missing paychecks, and had been (while being in denial about it) for some time. There is always more to the story, but here you only must know that I cared for the owners, and the store, and I still don't believe that there was any ill-intent on their part. I processed the situation (on my own, and with the store owner) for weeks, and the stress built up exponentially over that time. It reached the point where I was physically ill, over-exhausted and sick to my stomach, over the stress and anxiety.
One weekend, I went to church and wept during service, praying to God for the strength to have the conversation that was looming over my coming Monday. I couldn't afford to stay at the bookstore with my current paycheck trend, and I knew I was going to have to tell the owner that I was leaving. I had hardly slept or eaten for days, and I had finally reached that penultimate moment that many Christians are familiar with - I gave up. I prayed at church, I cried, and I gave up all control of the situation to place it in God's hands. If I was meant to stay at the bookstore, He would see to it; if I wasn't...well, I was meant to be somewhere else. After church I felt more peace than I had in weeks, and despite the fact that I was still terrified when it came time to speak with the bookstore owner, I never lost faith that the entire situation was part of God's plan. I didn't lose faith when I was unable to find another job, or when my unemployment was nearly reaching the limit of payments. I kept my faith, and my trust, as I settled for a paid-volunteer position with Americorps at a local elementary school, and as I eventually found my way to a job that had me moving away from home for the first time since college.
This chapter of my story might seem like a bit of a side-track, I admit; but my experience here taught me a lesson. I had always had faith in God and His plan, but this was the first time in my life that I had to truly give everything up, and place it all in His hands. Over the years, through and after college, I've unfortunately developed quite the relationship with anxiety. It's an issue that I still struggle with daily, but one of the greatest helps I have in dealing with this is in reminding myself that everything - everything - is part of His plan. The struggles that you deal with now are the lessons for your future; His plan isn't always easy to handle, but He is always there with you through it. All you have to do is call out for Him, and hold on.
Hold on.
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