Isn't it funny how quickly a year can go by? Last year around this time I had the worst emotional breakdown I have ever experienced in my life, triggered by a multitude of events and ongoing problems that all culminated together to form one terrible, crashing, life-evolving moment. I won't go into detail about the events that lead to it here; that's part of my Lifesong, and it will come through that series in time. All you need to know now is that last year, just around this time, my life felt as though it were falling apart around me. The final straw was that I had reached a financial goal that had literally been the point of working, for me, at the time; but when I finally reached the goal...it was all for nothing.
I'm not certain that every person is built for a day job. I don't mean physically, or that some are incapable of keeping a job for any reason; I mean mentally, and emotionally. I say this as the risk of sounding like a "whiny millennial" because I'm certain there are others out there who might be feeling the same way, and might also be drowning in a sense of guilt because of it. It took a long time for me to find a job where I was happy working, but the last job that I held was just that. It wasn't difficult work, my co-workers were friendly and caring, my bosses were even more so. I loved working there, but after three years I still found myself reaching a...'wall' of sorts. An emotional trench, a hopeless pattern of working to pay for living (or in my case, student loans) and then being too exhausted by the mental and emotional price to do anything except hide from the world upon returning to my apartment. I struggle with anxiety in a general way, but in the months leading up to last November I found myself feeling the depression that can sometimes come hinged to that. The emotions and events of last year lead to my husband and I moving back to my parents' home, and it was all part of the decision that ultimately lead me to begin this journey into self employment.
(I haven't been diagnosed with Depression, and I don't want anything I say here to be a commentary on those struggling with that in their daily lives. My brush against these emotions was not permanent, and I could never even pretend to imagine the strength it must take for those who live with Depression daily.)
Right now, sitting at my keyboard in the dim lighting of a windy autumn afternoon, I feel like I can say that I am truly happy. Of course not every moment is filled with laughter, not every blink finds me with a smile; there is still sadness, there is still anxiety, and at times there is still the touch of that depressive state that I found myself in for so many months. But now, finally, I find that I am starting to feel like myself again.
The most poignant example I can think to demonstrate this feeling is my reading habits. Last November, I was a handful of chapters into a book that I was thoroughly enjoying. Normally I'm the sort of reader than can pick up a book the size of Harry Potter late in the series and read it in the passing of one day; but with this book, during that time of my life, I started reading it before last November...and I finished it just over a month ago. Reading has always been a huge part of my life, and I have never felt so broken as I did when I found that I couldn't even find the motivation to pick up a book and read.
This is turning around though. I finished that book, started the next, and finished that book in a little over a week. I've started another, and I'm already three-quarters through the pages. With my motivation for reading returning, I've decided to push myself further still and work towards better daily habits - specifically, better art habits, and better writing habits. Last month I participated in 'Inktober' for the first time, a community art event that encourages artists to draw something every day and share it, even if it isn't 'finished' or 'perfect.' I am overjoyed to find myself past the month with a notebook full of daily drawings. I did not miss a single day, and I can only pray that I will have the strength to continue with more frequent art (though I will have to be honest with myself, and perhaps not expect a fresh drawing every day).
I am reading, I am drawing and painting, and now...I also hope to be writing. This post is more than a bit of a ramble, but I hope that if you've found this blog of mine you won't be turned away. I want to write more, even if that isn't a finished piece, and that is what this blog is for. This post in particular was written in hopes of collecting my thoughts, of writing down how I am feeling in this moment so that...if I find myself once again stuck in an emotional rut with little to no belief in myself, I can read this post and remember
I have made it out of that trench, that darkness once before.
I can do it again.
And so can you.
