back in the saddle

I've been slacking again.

I've been thinking about writing, and then thinking about why I haven't been writing, and I've come to think that I had found myself wedged into another of those spots where I was afraid to write about what was going on in my life. Afraid that if I spoke of the happenings, they might disappear like a moth into darkness.

The last post I made, I was heading off on vacation. Over the break I took part in some back-and-forth emails with a woman who owns a book store, whom I had spoken to a year before about a job possibility. Her business is doing better, and I've begun to work there now one day a week. That's all I'll say for now, because a part of me is still afraid that any potential good news spoken of may be snatched away the instance of the utterance.

I am content now. I miss having two days off each week rather than having one day off and using the other day to work at the book store, but I will live with only one. This potential opportunity is worth that. I thank the Lord for the opportunities that He's given me -- I pray that I am on the path He means for me, and I have faith that it's a path to something wonderful. Something meant to be.

This post is shorter than some. I realized that in order for me to feel "safe" to continue writing about anything on here, I needed to write first about those things I was afraid of losing. However, I feel secure in my one day a week job and can only pray that things continue to go well.

I'm happy to say that I've bought a new composition notebook in which I hope to begin planning a story. A new one. A long one.

A novel?



Prayer Requests:
That I, and you, and everyone and anyone else in the world may never be afraid to hope and dream and wish for something wonderful. That they WILL wish it, and reach for it, work for it, and achieve. That they may see His hand in these and all things. That they may see Him.

one single moment

I've been a bit scatterbrained lately, not really concentrating long enough to write much. Vacation is looming closer and closer -- four days away now, and I'm sure during vacation I probably will not have enough concentration to sit down and write either. That doesn't mean I'm ignoring writing altogether, it just means that I'll ponder and think of something that might spark an idea for an entry, but my brain can't quite focus on it enough to put it down on paper. I'm still seeing God, of course. How can I not, when He is all around?

Have you ever had one of those moments, where everything is perfectly normal, life as usual, and then something changes? Something small, unnoticeable almost. Everything gets quieter, or brighter, or more vibrant. The world directly around you becomes, somehow, more at peace. The air seems fresher, the light more calming. Even the sound of human life can seem a bit less like a racket.

It's hard to describe these moments properly; it's difficult to describe how they sound, feel, smell, or present themselves. I believe it's a moment where you are suddenly, entirely, surrounded by love. He has taken a moment to focus all of his attention directly on this moment. He's always watching, always there, but suddenly in these moments something breaks through in your mind so that you can truly feel Him there. It's love. It's always there, but in these moments it's somehow...something much more. Sometimes, when these moments occur, I wonder if this is how the entire world felt in the moment that Jesus was born. In that moment when he took his first breath, and God came down to live among us, I imagine that it must have felt something like those moments -- only infinitely more potent.

"Love is raining down

on the world tonight.

There's a presence here,

I can tell. 

He's the savior

we have been waiting for.

In our humble hearts

He will dwell.

God is in us, God is for us

God is with us,

Emanuel." 

                                                                        --"God is With us," Casting Crowns

let Him take the wheel

Do you ever find yourself sitting down or settling in wherever you are, taking a deep breath in preparation to enter prayer, and then...you stop. You wonder, who am I, that anything I pray for is so important? There are millions of people in the world, so why should I be more important than any of them? What really sets me apart, that God would take time out of his assuredly busy schedule to listen to my plea, and then do something about it?

I have these moments. I'm sure everyone does from time to time. It's usually around the same time that, for some reason or another, there is a situation that is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. You've integrated the situation into your prayer sessions, and still as far as you can see nothing has changed, and nothing you are doing or have tried to do is showing any promise of improving the situation either. It's, perhaps, begun to feel as though nothing will change this predicament you're in. It feels as though it's hopeless, a lost cause, and you begin to tell yourself that you might as well get used to it.

Some people call this rock bottom. We have all been there, in one way or another. It is in these moments of hardship that you may feel there is no point to praying, because surely there is someone more important to attend to. It is also in these moments when it is most important to turn to prayer anyway. You should pray about it, and you should believe that something will be done to ease the hurt. It is in these moments, when it is perhaps the hardest to believe, that your belief is so important.

It's been written in the bible, John 14: 13-14, "(13)And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. (14)If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it." This is pretty straight forward. You pray in the name of Jesus Christ, and whatever you ask of Him, He will do.

There's one catch.

The Lord won't necessarily answer your prayer in the way you want it to be answered. I'll use myself as an example. I graduated college last year in May. By October I still did not have a job, and my loans were due at the end of November. I'd been praying for a job, and I kept praying even as the days grew closer. I wanted a job that would have me writing, but over 600 applications had gone by without any calls or emails back. Finally, I got an interview and a job at Macy's.

This was not what I wanted. However, it pays enough to cover my private student loans, and my federal loans have been postponed due to an income-based repayment option, in which they agree that I cannot survive on my own income at this point so they cut me some slack. After loans, bus fees, gas money, and a small cellphone bill I have almost no money left at the end of each month. My husband and I live at home with my parents and my 26 year old brother who is also drowning in college loans. If I didn't live at home, I would not have enough money to pay my loans and survive. When I feel despaired at the predicaments my "dead end retail job" puts me in, I have to take a moment and remind myself how truly blessed I am with the life I am living. God has not given me what I wanted, but he has given me what I need.

I still apply for other jobs -- writing jobs, and jobs that are closer to home -- and I still do not get call backs despite my skills and my college degree. I am still not getting the job that I want, but in those moments of difficulty and despair I close my eyes and try to grasp onto the knowledge and sureness that He is giving me what I need, when I need it, and that the perfect job for me will be revealed to me in good time. After all, He is my creator. He knows me better than I know myself, and so I think I can trust Him enough to do what is right for me.

Some people call this process, "giving in to the will of the universe." Some call it, "let go and let God." I don't really see much of a difference between the two, since God is the reason the universe exists in the first place. He knows what you need. So when you settle in to pray, or to seek guidance from the 'powers that be,' or spirits, or the universe (all of which, truly, are different ways of referring to our one true Creator), if you find yourself wondering if He'll even get around to you or if there's even any point, just know that there is. Remember that He hears you. He's got a plan for you. Remember that He will never give you any more than He knows you can handle, and He will always provide you with what you need.

Remember all of this, and then just sit back and enjoy the ride.


Prayer Request:
That you will find the answers that you need. Nothing more, nothing less. Always enough.

"look," said He, "look and truly see."

How do you see God?

It's written in the bible (in a few places, I think) that if any living being were to look upon God face to face, while in a mortal body, they will surely perish. One example of this is here, in Exodus 33:30, "And He said, 'thou cannot see my face, for no one shall see me and live.' " So, going literally by these words, we an't able to, while we live on earth in our mortal bodies, see God. Yet here I am dedicating a blog to just that. Sure a lot of my topics lately have been more just ambling talks of different things relating to God and us and Christianity, but it's all in some way tied into the things I see and hear and feel in my daily life that show me His presence.

So, how do I see God? I see Him in the face of every individual I pass, in every unsolicited smile. I see Him in the way a man stops the stampede of people trying to get on the bus so that a couple with two small children can get by without difficulty. I see Him in the chalk drawings on the path in the city's park, leftover from a church youth group who came and drew crosses and scripture on the stone walkway. I see Him in the sticker on the post box by the street, with a cross and the text, "Smile, God loves you." In this way, I see Him in the work of humans.

I also see Him in the flower my mother placed in a glass vase by the sink, in the way the color fades perfectly from pale sunshine at the tips to the deepest gold in the center. I see Him each morning and evening in the sunrise and set, and in how it truly is the most awe-inspiring, the most perfect of watercolor paintings. During the day, He is there in the detailed puffs and wisps of each cloud in the sky. At night, when the world has quieted, He is the amazing span of diamonds high outside my window. He is there in each and every creature in the forest surrounding my home.

And of course, coming closer to my heart, He is the love I feel for my family, though I may not always like them. He is the bond I feel with my husband. He is the laughter and fun I enjoy with my dearest friends. He is the gratitude and grace I feel each time I stop and think of all that He has done, and all that He surely will.

So then, how do you see God? How, when according to some there is supposedly no proof or evidence that He exists at all, do you witness His hand in the workings of the world?

It is simple.

You see God by opening your eyes to what is already there and seeing it in a way that perhaps you never even imagined you could. You see God by seeing the world; by seeing that it is not always beautiful but that, somehow, that lack of beauty and those perfect imperfections lend it a certain quality that it is all the more beautiful for.

You see God by seeing yourself. Because who other than the Lord himself could make something as perfect as you?

Prayer Requests:
For those who's eyes are still unopened, that their eyelids begin to flutter open into the light of a new day.



Oh, and a random PS: big shout out to Russia, for being the only country beside my own who apparently reads my blog. Hi!

open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers

There are many Christians in the world. Among them, there are many "types" of Christian. There are those who go to church each Sunday, and can't imagine a week without it, or that other Christians needn't, or can't, go to church weekly. Some even go to church on multiple days of the week. Then, there are those (such as myself) who feel lucky if they are able to make it to church (the physical building) once every month or so, but who may still attend church (without the physical place or the group of others) in their own way.

For me, church on Sunday morning is usually a bus to work and a pair of headphones playing christian rock songs or general worship tunes. It may not seem like much to some, but it's all it needs to be -- a quiet moment, between me and God, to worship.

Oh goodness, why is she going on and on about how people go to church in different ways?
Because I want to talk about how some people, sometimes, judge others. This church scenario just so happens to be my first example.

I've been told outright by some Christians I've met that you (the general "you" here) can't be a Christian if you don't go to church, or if you haven't read the bible from cover to cover, or if you believe in/pray to the trinity instead of just in the name of God. That last one was one of the stranger, "you can't be if," claims that I've heard in some time. But it doesn't really matter what their reasons are, the fact that they are dictating why someone "can't" be a Christian is ridiculous in and of itself.

How can someone even begin to come up with rules or reasons for why anyone can or can't be a Christian? As if it were up to them to pass out judgement, as if they were able to see how a person's relationship with God is fairing! As I said in my previous post, your relationship with God is personal and intimate. How would you feel if someone came up to you and your significant other and started listing off reasons for why you two couldn't possibly be in love?

Now, unfortunately, it's not so uncommon for a person to try and do such things in today's world, but does that mean they should? Who are they to dictate regulations for how your romantic relationships should work? In the same way, who are they to do the same with your relationship with God? Who's to say you need to go to church, anyway? Who's to say you must read the bible in order to be a Christian? Surely any true Christian will want to read the bible, will feel at the very least a curiosity towards it at one point in their life, but is it really a requirement? There are Christians in restricted nations who go through their entire LIVES never even laying eyes on a single page of the bible. They still live and die as Christians; some even die as Christian martyrs.

There are reason abound for people to judge other people, and for Christians to judge other Christians. Someone judges someone because of how they look, or talk, or act. A Christian might judge another Christian on those same reasons, but some also judge on their beliefs. If I were to tell every Christian I met everything that I believe in, I'm certain that at least half of them would pass judgement. Some may even see some of my beliefs as sacrilegious.

Here's a quick rundown: I am a Christian with every fiber of my being -- I know and feel this, and am aware of His presence in every moment of every day. In addition, I'm a Native American, and learning about that culture has shown me that the native beliefs pan in very well with Christianity (I won't go into detail, because it could be -- and probably is -- an entire book). I also believe that dragons existed, and that they likely still do and are simply smart enough to stay hidden. I believe in fairies (the Irish Folklore kind), and along those same lines I believe that practically all of the mythical creatures from stories and cultures all over the world could exist, and how are we to know for sure either way?

I also believe in magic. I believe that miracles are a sort of magic -- a God granted magic -- and that anything granted by his nemesis could also, in name, be a sort of magic. Some would hear this and ask, "How can you call yourself a Christian and also claim belief in these things?" My answer: To be a Christian is to believe with your every fiber that God exists, that He loves the world, and that He died for you. As many people will point out, there is no physical evidence or proof for these things. We go on faith. In my Christian beliefs, faith is more than enough for me. So why not in other areas as well?

I apologize if I've rambled. My examples of what people might be judged on as a Christian ran away with me a bit (and I technically wrote this post over the course of two days, which added to the length considerably), but I hope everything helped to illustrate my point. You can believe anything you want, and it is up to God and God alone to judge you on such things -- on anything. As Christians we are not here to judge. We are here to love. We are here to share that love with everyone we possibly can, and we are here to share His truth and spread it to every corner of the earth. Yes, we all sin, and so it is bound to happen that we will judge someone in some way. But next time you find yourself passing judgement on someone for any reason, I hope I've planted a thought in your mind that will make you pause, and rethink, even for just a moment.

As always, God bless and God speed! I'll throw in a bit of an "allons-y!" as well.

Prayer Request: 
That all Christians learn to love one another, and learn to love everyone ELSE in the world as well! It is surely a difficult thing to do as a human being, but we pray for little victories and big success.

meant for courage in His name

There's this thing about courage.

Courage isn't not being afraid. It's not laughing in the face of danger or breezing through all of life's difficulties without batting an eye. Courage is seeing that something is difficult, or frightening, or even dangerous, and choosing to do it anyway.

(Disclaimer: this is NOT to be confused with stupidity, such as: seeing that it is dangerous to tie an inner tube to a car during a small flood and tube surfing down main street, and choosing to do it anyway.)

Courage is taking a deep breath, and then taking that first step.

Being a Christian takes courage. Choosing to live in the name of Christ and doing your best to embody that in your every action, word, and breath takes courage. There are many people, here in America, who would read that today and say, "Courage? Ha! You're kidding? Christianity is, like, the dominating religion in America. How does THAT take courage?" This is exactly why it takes courage.

It takes courage because people think it's so easy, that it takes hardly an effort. It takes courage because there are people out there doing unspeakable things in the Lord's name, and there are others still who see this and take it to be what Christianity is about. Being a Christian takes courage because it's then our  responsibility, as Christians, to show people everywhere what it really is about.

Some people take this challenge up wholeheartedly; the Voice of the Martyrs foundation is an outstanding example (They're quite amazing. Check them out at: Persecution.com). Others, like myself, strive to do this to the best of our ability, in whatever small ways we can. Still more will interpret this message, this challenge, in another way entirely, possibly twist it around (with or without meaning to), and put the cycle back where it began.

We shouldn't be surprised though. After all, we were told ahead of time -- WAY ahead of time -- that being a Christian wasn't going to be easy. See Mark 13: 9-13 for reference:

"(9) You must watch our for yourselves. You will be handed over to councils and beaten in synagogues. You will stand before governors and kings because of me, as witness to them. (10) First the gospel must be breached in all nations. (11) When they arrest you and hand you over for trial, do not worry about what to speak. But say whatever is given you at that time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit. (12) Brother will hand over brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rise against parents and have them put to death. (13) You will be hated by everyone because of my name. But the one who endures to the end will be saved."

Personally, for me, it's Mark 13: 12-13 that really hits home every time I read this passage. I often find it sticking in the back of my mind when thinking of the world today in relation to Christianity. Overseas, there are people who live out these words down tot he punctuation. They're told that if they live for Christ and refuse to renounce Him they'll be thrown in jail, or they'll be killed and their family will be thrown to the streets or in jail themselves. Still, they do not renounce Him. Often times, they die martyrs. (Again, these stories are incredible. Read Voice of the Martyrs' book, "Jesus Freaks," for some of the most amazing, awe-inspiring stories of martyrs in today's world that you will have never been able to imagine.)

Here in America it is certainly a bit easier to be a Christian. It's not illegal (yet), nobody is going to throw us in jail for loving the Lord and preaching Christ's words (as long as you're not doing it in school). There is still persecution of Christians to a certain degree, but only in the same way that other social issues are persecuted, such as racism and gay marriage. For the most part, as Christians, we definitely have our freedom here in America.

It's up to us to decide what to do with it.




Prayer Requests:
For those persecuted Christians overseas, that they may live strong in the Lord's name, and that their families may live strong, and that their captors and persecutors might find their way to Jesus through the very people they mock.

a tap on the shoulder, a quiet, "I'm still there."

Warning: this will not be a very eloquently written post. It will be hogwash and jibber-jabbery gibberish. It is not perfect, but it is about God.

Sometimes He sneaks up on you. Sometimes, every so often, life will get so overwhelming, or monotonous, or same-ol' same-ol' that you'll find yourself with blinders on to the world around you (and His hand in the world around you). Sometimes you won't notice it until you find yourself with a not-so-subtle palm to the forehead - only it's not yours, it's His.

I've been working at Macy's now as a lowly sales associate in the Home department since October of 2011. I thank God each and every day that I have to drag myself out of bed for my over-an-hour-commute to my job in the next state over because, as draining as being gone for 12+ hours a day is, I have been able to make my college loan payments every month since they've begun. I got my job in October working morning and afternoon shifts, while my then-fiance got a job working nights. We got married in November, and with these two jobs balanced together we have not had a whole lot of time just to spend with one another. We've had enough time, but not a lot.

After I had established that I could make juuuuust enough money each month to cover my loans, and my bus pass to get to work to get the money to cover my loans, and my (relatively small) phone bill, I settled into the routine. Then I began to tire of the routine. Now, here in January of the new year, I have gotten very tired of the routine. Without the hustle and bustle of holiday shoppers, there's no distraction at work. There is just a lot of time standing around, rearranging china or blankets or coffee makers, and waiting to do nothing. I've been putting out applications now only for writing jobs, and for something I've been describing to myself as "any job closer to home, or that pays better, or both. Preferably both."

I make 8.00 an hour. My husband, working nights, makes 11.20. His place of work is roughly 20 minutes away from home. While I have never been very good at staying up for long hours without sleep, I found myself doing something that I would have never, ever imagined myself doing - I began dreaming of a night job, working the same job as my husband at the same place. I not-so-jokingly told him to mention me to his boss, which he did. Then someone quit. He mentioned me again, and I re-applied (re, only because I applied to everywhere under the sun before getting my current job at Macy's). A few days went by and I found myself thinking more and more frequently as I wandered the tile floor at work how much I wanted out of the job at Macy's - I was still eternally grateful for it, but I was wishing for a closer-to-home life. The day after, I received a call from the hiring manager at my husband's place of work, and I was offered an interview.

Without fully realizing what was happening, without fully hoping or praying for a direct change, I suddenly find myself at the threshold of a possible new chapter. If I did get this job I would be working the same shift as my husband, at the same place. We could carpool. This would eliminate the need to buy a bus pass, and help each of us with gas money as the price of gas rises dramatically. I would be making more money and be required to spend less. I could, on occasion, even pay more than the minimum on my college loans and in doing so maybe pay them off in less than 24 years. I could spend time with my husband. I could start the process of preparing to get a kitten. I could find time to write - I could find a balance between my needed-for-money-job, and the building blocks of my writing career. If someone had told me even three months ago that I would be daydreaming of a night job today, I would not have believed them.

I am daydreaming of a night job.
I am thanking God for this chance at a, possibly wonderful, change of pace.